It's the lines on the road that let you go faster

Finding the balance between freedom and structure

It’s a tricky balance, sometimes. My unschooling heart struggles with the discipline needed for GCSEs. My desire for flexibility and respect for autonomy butts up against the knowledge of the importance of a full night’s sleep and nutritious food.

Freedom seems the goal, but sometimes the go-with-the-flow approach feels more like drifting. And if there’s no structure, and everything is up for grabs, all the time, there’s a constant negotiation that can be draining and time consuming as much as it is freeing.

When I’m wrestling with whether and where to put a boundary, I keep coming back to the idea of driving down a road.

It’s the line down the middle that lets us go faster.

Without it - with the freedom to drive all over the road, and the knowledge that others have that freedom too - there’s the constant possibility that we’ll run into someone else, and we all have to go slower and more carefully as a result.

With the guideline, and the agreement that we’ll all follow it, we’re free to speed up (within reason), confident that we’re unlikely to crash headlong into another vehicle. That doesn’t mean it’s never a possibility, or the line can never be crossed in unusual circumstances - but the norm is that we drive this way and we don’t have to think about it too much. And that, paradoxically, gives us more freedom than not having that boundary.

So, go ahead. It’s OK. Lay the line. Maybe the line is ‘no screens before afternoon snack’. Maybe it’s ‘maths worksheet first’. Maybe it’s ‘bedtime at 7’. Maybe it’s ‘there will be no glitter in my house’, or ‘you ask before using paint’. Maybe it’s stricter. Or looser. It’s your family, and your lines, and you get to think about what makes your journey run more smoothly. But a line or two is OK, and won’t squash your child. It may even keep them safe, and so set them free.

(First published on Instagram, 25 October 2019)